Surviving

Through eyes filled with hatred and anger, all they see is that i've been taking the wrong side... but i take no sides.
no matter how wrong it is for a Father to budge into the personal matters of his child, he does not deserve to get continuously bashed. needless to say threatened at knife point.

Lethal words and a vicious tongue does not equate to having the capabilities to out-talk and emerge as a winner in an argument. it only adds fuel to fire, angers the one on the receiving end and causes heartache.
it wasn't that i couldn't be bothered with what was happening. nor that i'm siding my Father. but all i could think of is to solve things with minimal violence and in the most rational manner.

My Dad cares for us, in the wrong way. in the traditional way. in ways we can't accept. in ways we think is ridiculous.
but one can only be blind to actually not notice his efforts to stop or control his violent tendencies these days. how he chose not to fight back when he could have. how he could have chosen to be violent like how he used to be, but did not.

Having histories of Depression does not give one an excuse to be violent. nor one the trump card to have things their way. nor the rights to point a knife in anyone's face and threaten to stab them.

It pained my heart to see an aging old man being treated like this, needless to say my Dad. and i understand how hurtful it is to be taking a step back yet not receive any credits for the biting the bullet and putting up with their nonsense. instead, being trampled and walked all over on.
it also pained my heart to see my sister going through all these frustrations and pain. to lay her hands on someone i know she does love deep down, i know that it must also be killing her inside too.

I believe that no matter how violent a person is, they do feel remorseful towards their own actions. it's only human.

One does not have to take anyone's side in a family fight. nor get violent just because they are being violent. instead, take a breather and calm down.

I'm still surviving, not feeling even a tinge of anger or hatred towards either party... only heartaches.

The hellhole

Money is the root to all problems. it brings out the evil in people, tears family apart and allows you to see the true faces of people around you.

Before they look at me and say that i'm a rich selfish bitch, who's lazy and can't be bothered enough to go get a job... they ought to look at themselves.
(i don't know how a student without a stable job can be rich, makes you wonder what is stored in their brain)

If i am selfish, self-centered, self-absorbed... i would have long ago stopped helping and giving. i would have placed myself and my plans before everyone and everything else. i would have refused to help and leave them to seek alternatives on their own.
it's never enough, nothing i do is ever enough.

The thought of having to come home, return to this place full of shit is so unbearable. no one should be having such feelings towards returning home. each time i'm nearing the doorsteps, i keep wondering if i should just ask a friend out and get away from this nasty place.

It has become so unbearable these days, the thought of wanting to move out on my own is once again at it's peak.

Thank you!!

If you're planning to replace the bottle of perfume i broke a few weeks back, i'd suggest you find an alternative gift for my birthday cos my classmates had already beaten you to it!!





*sniffles sniffles* i'm so touched!! it had never cross my mind that they would wanna get it for me... i'm not such a thick skinned person okay. and i've always been such an irritating, evil and "up to no good" kind of classmate... i don't deserve this! i don't deserve having such kind and lovely classmates!! (doesn't mean i'm rejected the gift. hehehe)

As a token of appreciation, i shall make an effort to give them more of my "special attention"! i shall come up with more tricks to make them feel irritated and loved by me! =P

High tea!!

I'm going for some shopping and high tea with my classmates. although i don't take coffee / tea, i'm really tempted to try some proper high tea. one with lots of scones, cakes, fruit tarts, sandwiches, pastries, cold meats. we should do a proper high tea soon, preferably buffet style

Picking the tab

The other day when i was out with my ex course-mates having high tea, our topic somehow drifted to guys being a gentleman by picking up the tab. i do not expect guys to foot the bill, especially if he's just a friend. and even if he's my partner, i wouldn't expect him to foot the bill each time we're out on a date.

I'm not just talking about dates here, but also going out with friends of the opposite sex in general.

I kind of sympathize with the guys cos they feel obligated to pay when they're out with a girl even if it's not a date. or the need to impress the girls or the need to act gentlemanly. yet on the other hand, all we girls have to do is dress up, be pretty, smile a lot, shop and eat... okay, maybe not. to make things even worse, is if he's out with typical shameless bimbos who leech on guys and shows no concern towards the hole she's burning in his pockets. then again, if he asked her out or agreed to go out with her, then he pretty much asked for it!

But, i've also met a fair share of really shameless guys who are just plain stingy and leeches on me. yes, these TELL me to pay for dinners! i am independent, i've been earning my own keep for a good few years and i am okay with going dutch. but that doesn't mean i'm okay with guys leeching on me and demanding / insisting that i pick the tab. that's just ridiculous! if he had asked politely, i would consider treating him to a meal... but to insist, he's throwing all respect i had for him out of the window.

And i went on to explain how if in future i have a son, i would want him to pay for his girlfriend and pamper her... but it might be really taxing on my side too, assuming my son is still studying. (i know, i'm single and i have no intentions of getting a boyfriend yet i'm thinking of all these?!) one thing i definitely believe in is that every girl deserves to be pampered like a princess!

Name your member

TOTALLY REMINDS ME OF WHAT HAPPENED AT SUBWAY. BIG BROTHER KING!!

Unappreciative friends

The only reason why the behavior of certain people in my life can affect me so much is cos i've place too much importance on the friendship that we share. they've caused me so much disappointments, pain, anger and have me questioning myself on whether or not somewhere or somehow i've done or said something wrong. or maybe i didn't do enough, maybe i wasn't good enough, maybe i'm just unworthy.

I hate how some of my friends can torture me with their insensitivity so effortlessly.

Thankfully, sometimes it doesn't take long for me to bounce back up and go: "F you!! nothing's wrong with me, i don't deserve this!!!!" these worthless people in my life just happen to be in control, and i need to find a way around to regaining the upper hand. i need to get rid of them, recognize that they're not worth all the effort.

But most of the times, i'd just tell myself to bear with it and give them another chance to prove that they're not as bad a person i think they are. in cases like this, i'd end up wanting to beat myself up cos i can't decide what to do. i want to voice it out yet i can't bring myself to, i try to put up with the nonsense and end up being really upset.
sometimes, they'd asked me questions like if i'm okay and my instincts tells me that i'm supposed to say i'm fine no matter how affected i am. it's like they're asking a question they have an answer to. if the need arises for them to ask such a question, do you seriously think i'm okay? and that if i'm not, would i honestly tell them that i'm not?

I know that the only way to get things to improve is to thrash things out, tell them how i feel, tell them what's wrong. but honestly speaking, i hate to be placed in such situations. if it comes to a point where i have to tell them in their face what's wrong with them, that'll be the time i turn around and leave. if i have to be honest and harsh with them, i think it'll totally ruin the friendship and things will never be the same again.
i always, always drop hints... HUGE HINTS. i'm sure these people felt those vibes but they just refuse to take the hints and continue to push their luck.

So for now, they're staying on the "persons to ignore" list.

Impressive, NOT

(click to enlarge)

Pretty pleaseeeeee?

Ralph by Ralph Lauren

In case you don't know, this is my all time favorite perfume. i've been using it for about 3 - 4 years already and i've decided i'm sticking to it.

You know how sometimes when you're out and you suddenly smell a very similar scent (not fart / B.O mind you), and it immediately reminds you of someone? i want people around me to be reminded of me the moment they smell Ralph. i want it to be my signature scent.

I broke a bottle of this perfume about a week ago. sighhhh... it's the big bottle one and i had only used less than half a bottle of it. i still feel like beating myself up whenever i think of it. ugh!!!

So, my birthday's just around the corner... teehee. if you're feeling really kind and rich, get me a bottle of this! i'd love you to bits and pieces, more than the grains of sand on the beach... hahaha!!!

guess this is why i'm Pikachu?!

Introducing... MY SECURITY PILLOW. hehehe...

I've had this pillow since i was 12, nearly 8 years now! but now it's more like a small cuddly lil thing i use to cover my eyes with to block out the light. and i always use it to irritate people who finds it disgusting. it is not disgusting!! even though it has never been washed. pffffft!!!

And i don't wanna be Pikachu, because it sounds like "smell hand and feet" in Hokkien.

ASOS dresses

Top on my list (but i might change my mind later. being indecisive as usual!):


ASOS Jacquard Envelope Clutch


ASOS Heart Jacquard Waisted Dress
can't decide whether to buy it in Cream / Black


Rare Floral Heart Cut Out Dress
love those sweet looking floral prints


The "Should i buy these???" list:

Rare Mesh Insert Bandeau Dress
totally adore the sexy mesh insert but i'm not sure if i can carry off this dress well. not. well endowed. enough.


ASOS Broderie Anglaise Strappy Sundress
as good as parading around in just my panties, but i really like the broderie anglaise details!!


Rare Floral Contrast Two-In-One Bandeau Dress
love those floral prints, but it's looks like the kind of dress i'd get sick of very quickly


ASOS Crochet Strap Embroidered Hem Maxi
i can never carry off a maxi dress, but i'm very tempted to give this a try because of the crochet details


ASOS Cotton Lace Insert Bandeau Slip Beach
lace details will have an even shorter life span in my hands, not sure if i should take the risk.

Totally in love with these but can't have them:

Warehouse Broderie Anglais Linen Dress


ASOS Bow Front Drape Bandeau Dress


TFNC Contrast Sash Bandeau Dress


ASOS Ruched Sleeve Tulip Skirt Dress
in the style of Coleen McLoughlin


ASOS Sequin Disc Bandeau Dress


ASOS Premium Cornelli Bust Longer Length Dress
Out of stock


ASOS Linen Pencil Dress
in the style of Lady Gaga
Out of stock


ASOS Cross Hatch Linen Pencil Dress
Out of stock


ASOS Origami Fold Over Sundress
Out of stock

Here's another dress i bought recently:

Exams? *yawn*

A family affair

My curent Facebook profile picture ♥
(as if most of you don't already know)